How to Be Resilient and Resolve Conflict

'Extra-ordinary' circumstances are upon us all, are they not?

We are certainly living in extraordinary times on this planet. This year has marked unprecedented measures and actions from all world leaders and countries. It all feels and looks so fake and desperate. We are all spoon-fed information and for most people who believe we are governed fairly or think we actually have 'government' who are for and by the people will be sadly mistaken. Also those who believe they hold informed opinions by what they watch the parrots repeat on any regular main-stream media will be in for quite a shock come the latter part of 2020, into 2021. I say this from my own observations and my inner knowing of how to discern and read people and situations. Any average intelligent person who witnesses 'informed alternative thinkers be taken down for telling the truth and those who support negative agendas gain power and exposure, more and more as this year passes, we need to question it all! Know that what you focus on is what your reality is. I know it looks crazy on this world stage currently. It is because what is not sustainable is crumbling. Old paradigms are crumbling and new ones will be build.

It has been a whirlwind of upheaval and paradigm changing events the past couple years. It has rattled so many cages and affected millions of people. In my coaching sessions, I see older, younger and everyone in-between trying to do their best in getting a grip on their thinking and effectively deal with their circumstances. Many are very angry inside and the younger ones feel they have no voice or choice (the damper on young brilliant people really effects me the most). When the 'status quo' is no longer the norm, it is a clear indication of great change and with that comes new information that we all need to take in and assimilate.

Then what do we do with it? Especially when we have family, friends and coworkers who may see things very differently than yourself. It doesn't mean you are 'right' and others are 'wrong' or visa-versa. It means we all need to step back, and outside of our own comfort zones in order to understand how to navigate the bigger picture with people, places and scenarios.

Why is it best to be more discerning? How do we change our thinking in order to gain a better footing? How can we breathe deep and learn to dispel fears to see the truths while we feel a bit of a mess? How can we personally let go of ego thinking in order to move into a steady rational balance within the body-mind and soul? What does it take to step back and understand?

When you actually decide to start looking at things from the angle of 'perhaps I don't know everything', 'perhaps I need more or different information or input to see other sides or understandings'. Especially when you feel much conflict within yourself and with others, it is time to be different within yourself.

So how do you 'ready' yourself to become more resilient? How do you help yourself gain insight? How do you prepare yourself to cope and move through change to deal with any grief with as much compassion as you can? Also, how do you assist those you love through tough life situations while you sort your own stuff out?

It starts with taking a look at what your own truths are:

Ask loads of questions to understand others' point of view. Be your own 'life manager'. When we take a step back and don't assume - ask as many questions to understand why people think or feel the way they do. Instead of you thinking you know, take the time to ask more questions. It will enlighten you and may surprise you at the same time.

You do not need to agree with anyone who has a different view than yourself, you can simply just accept that part of them and move on. Find the common ground on why you are together in the first place. If it comes to a point where you cannot be in the same room or have the need to create conflict around it, time to decide to leave the conversation and agree to disagree. Move on. Take the higher road with a deep breath, gain an understanding there are fundamental differences in opinion or actions and be more within your higher self aspects to observe what is happening in the conversation. Witness what is happening vs. tangling your thoughts and emotions in the outcome. Be okay with not getting answers or resolve in that moment. Simply state you want to finish the conversation at another time when things feel better. Letting go of ego is key here.

Learn to process your emotions and decide how empowered or disempowered you want to feel. Repeat to yourself ' I want to see the truth, I want peace within this situation'. Remember you are the master of your own domain. You decide how you want to feel. Everything is cause and effect. If circumstances are hard in the moment. Get a grip on your negative thinking and replace it with ' I will sort this out, things will be clearer, or I choose to let this go and replace it with peace, or ask for help for yourself and or the other person or situation.

Resilience comes from an inner strength. "Resilience (or resiliency) is our ability to adapt and bounce back when things don't go as planned. Resilient people don't wallow or dwell on failures; they acknowledge the situation, learn from their mistakes, and then move forward (mindtools.com)". Using the power of the mind-heart is the key. When you have a vested interest in making things better, you will.

To be resilient and make it through hard or challenging times comes from a compassion for self and others. You'll need to have also have a vested interest in feeling more peace or comfort.

Having a baseline of knowing how to resolve conflict and coming to resolution is a skill-set that is worth cultivating. Know that everyone has their own perceptions with their own unique set of circumstances and respect that regardless of how you feel about the person or situation.

We all have our own personal work to do and before we can really effectively deal with others we need to get more centered and calm within ourselves. One great way to do that is learn to be still and meditate, all great leaders ( in their own life or in a corporate setting) know the power of the mind and how to shift to make clear decisions and resolve conflict. Another tip is to ensure you take care of yourself and resolve pent up anger from other things in your life. Physical activity is a great way to release those tensions. Eating a healthy diet helps us release toxins and substances that may add to angry feelings. We are what we eat, think, say and do!

Conflicts and conflict management can be approached using a variety of different styles or ways. While these styles and ways may differ, every method utilizes the same management skill-sets. Below are some of the core skills and characteristics that you'll need to incorporate in your life if you want to effectively manage conflict around you.

12 Guidelines of resolving issues and conflict

1. Don't point fingers

2. Don't be defensive

3. Let the other side express themselves without interruption and ensure you 'actively listen'

4. Conflict isn't about what the other person is doing wrong; it's about what you believe you're doing right. Make expressing yourself about how YOU feel, not what the other is doing 'wrong'.

5. Maintain a calm demeanor and tone

6. Do not gossip or talk behind peoples back

7. Show a giving and a willingness to compromise

8. Pay attention to all the non-verbal clues and body gestures

9. Try not to take things too personally

10. Most definitely try to prioritize resolving issues instead of making yourself right.

11. Know when to forgive and to apologize (takes the bigger, wiser person to sit in this seat)

12. Remember the importance of the relationship or situation. Put the importance into perspective.

How to create resolve:

Actively listen Active listening begins with intently focusing on what the other person has to say. Make note of their phrasing then respond using their same wording (mirroring them brings a comfort). This not only demonstrates that you were listening, but it will also help clear up any confusion about your argument or situation. Additionally, be sure to ask questions when you’re confused about a point and focus on identifying the other person’s needs or goals.  

Patience is key Conflicts are a pain, and sometimes not so simple or easy to overcome. People don’t like to be wrong and will often hold their stance on an issue until they’re right or proven wrong. If you’re looking to resolve a conflict, it’s important to keep in mind that the problem may not be solved right away, even if the solution is obvious.

No matter what the conflict is, you still need to take the time to listen to every participant and value each argument evenly. Even if there’s a clear answer, rushing to a resolution can make people feel like they’re left out in the decision-making process. Taking the time to equally consider all options now can help create a long-term peace.

Emotional intelligence To be emotionally stable is so important in life. It is the ability to read and understand emotions of yourself and others. This is incredibly important for conflict management because it prevents escalation and distortion of truths. If you can effectively interpret your opposition’s emotions, it’s easier to communicate with them without provoking them. If you can eliminate frustration and anger from the conflict, people will be more likely to focus on compromising because they aren’t distracted by their emotions or yours.

Conflicts can be difficult to resolve because they often never stay focused solely on the conflict itself. This is so important to understand: conflict usually acts as an initial spark that ignites previous tension or issues that has built up between the 'particular people' over time. Now perhaps the problem that started the conflict may not be resolved due to the 'historical bias' that exists between the participants.

Don’t focus on the people and their personal characteristics, instead, look at the problem itself and centre your energy on finding a middle ground. While you probably can’t solve your personal issues with the other person, you can definitely work on the tangible issues that impede you from meeting goals and resolution.

Being positive is crucial. It’s hard to come to an agreement if no one is happy about it. Even if you do, a half-hearted compromise doesn’t motivate you to actually follow through on your promise either. In many cases, it can even provide a participant with an escape from having to continue to deal with the conflict altogether.

Being positive with your conflict management is a great way to keep progress moving forward. Conflicts are full of roadblocks and you’ll need to be willing to overcome them if you want to come to a resolution. Having the right attitude towards facing the conflict can become a catalyst for other participants who may be more weary of the interaction.

Having open communication is the only way...Conflicts create a relationship between the participants that doesn’t end with the resolution of the problem.

Creating an open line of communication between all parties is the best approach for fostering a healthy, long-term relationship or outcome. All parties can check in on one another and make sure that the agreements are being upheld. If new challenges arise, this communication channel makes it easier for participants to address the roadblock without an upheaval of emotion and taking any risk on the progress they’ve previously made.

So to conclude, no matter what situation you find yourself in, or the world stage in, being resilient starts and ends with you. If we can all just take more personal responsibility and accountability in managing conflict to become more resilient within ourselves, imagine the possibilities of change on this planet!